Over the course of my pregnancy I started reading new blogs. More blogs written by young moms like myself and less that focused on only design and fashion. I liked what I was reading and I realized that I missed writing like these bloggers were doing. Really writing (which is what I went to school for) and not just posting fluff. So slowly, once P was born, I started writing. But the thing is, I was in a bit of an un-happy fog, in varying intensities over the course of Parker’s first year. I loved being a mom, that wasn’t the issue at all, I was just dealing with anxiety which was new to me, and I sometimes just couldn’t see things in the glass is always half-full sort of way I always had before. And as I wrote, I wasn’t liking what I was publishing. I was doubting myself and my writing. I was comparing myself to other bloggers. Not in a my-blog-isn’t-big-enough way, but I just felt that I wasn’t able to portray myself as accurately as I wanted to. My sarcasm and wit were coming across as rude and mean. My jokes weren’t funny once I read them again, and my silly rants about new mom things were being taken very seriously, which isn’t how I meant them. Often times, other bloggers would write about something that was already brewing in my mind. And even though it is very likely that they were going through the same things I was, I felt like I was stealing ideas. Like they were smart enough to think of the things I hadn’t gotten to yet. I was trying to connect with other bloggers, but somehow, I felt like I was being fake, which in-real-life is a foreign concept to me. I keep it real, homies.
And so I took a break, because I could see that the feelings I was having were unnecessary. I am me, and I have always been happy with that. Why on earth was I comparing myself to others when I never have before? Why was I writing from the heart, but still sounding a little half-hearted? I was always living life with that little though in the back of my head I should be taking photos to blog about this. And it wasn’t fun anymore.
I still liked to write, but I was having trouble balancing being a mostly stay-at-home mom, working a few hours from home and a few hours from an office, and fitting in time to blog, which was supposed to be a fun hobby. So I took that break, and then when I thought I really missed it, I started again, and it was fun. But then quickly, I got a little caught up in the blogging world again, and I must be doing it wrong, because it got a little stressful. So instead of posting the guest posts I had lined up for while I was on vacation, I just left it alone and left the country. I didn’t check in once for a month. I traveling around Europe with my family, not thinking about what I would blog about. I spend a week relaxing in the Outer Banks of North Carolina and only got my camera out when I remembered, and only so that I could remember this trip for years, not so I could post about it here. I was pretty content with my decision to stop blogging.
Then I got home and sat down with my computer, a little excited to get back to my daily life. I started reading through some of my favorite blogs, and realized that the BlogHer conference was this past weekend. I saw pictures of some of my favorite bloggers together and thought that maybe one day, it would be fun to actually meet them face-to-face. I read some posts on what they learned at the conference, and I was inspired, as much as I tried not to be.
And then I realized it.
I am a blogger.
It’s part of who I am now. For three years, in some way or another, I have been putting myself out there, on the internet. And although the reason that I do it has evolved over the years, the fact that I love to blog has not. I have had my ups and downs for sure, but I don’t think I can give it up. Not now, at least. One of my favorite posts on the conference was written by Jill of Baby Rabies (the girl who gave me a Dyson!). The whole post was great, but this excerpt really hit home with me:
You are the boss of your blog. This was a note that several touched on. Do what you want! Don’t like an old post? Delete it. Want to blog about different topics? Go for it. I think you want to try to go about these things with a little thought so you don’t leave people confused, unless you want to confuse people. Then confuse them because it’s your blog and you can do what you want. You are the boss of it.
I have been struggling to find myself through my blog. What do I write about? Am I a mommy-blogger? A lifestyle blogger? Should I be taking more pictures? Posting more about my trials at the market and in the kitchen? Where do I fit in in the world of a billion and two blogs? The answer, for me, changes daily. But now, I’ll try not to care as much, to let it evolve naturally. Because this is my blog. I’ll write and post about what I want. I will try to not compare myself to others, and this blog will reflect me. I think after I finish writing this post, I may even go back and delete some things. Some things that don’t make me happy. Because this is my blog.
It was the best way to break up our day and say hi to Jon for a bit.
One of my favorite times of day is when I sneak outside after dinner to play in my garden. I walk slowly past all of the vegetable plants, pulling out any little weeds that have sprung up since the evening before. If I see a mole hole, I carefully push the dirt back in and smooth over the mulch, hoping to gently send them a message to find a new garden to play in. If needed, I help the green beans and snap peas to find their way to the chicken wire. Then I either turn on the hose or start filling the watering can up with pool water. I don’t need to do this when it rains, but when it’s been a hot, dry day, I can see the plants perk up as the water sinks past the mulch into their roots.
